I am happy that I am getting to share an experience called 'wedding' with some people that I really care about. For me, it is an expression of togetherness where we can allow ourselves to enjoy and appreciate that people are paired with a mutual agreements of sharing a life experience together.
The part that is chaotic at present is when your family intervenes and prevents you from fully expressing how you want to experience that occasion. I have realized one important thing in all this and that is the more my
parents ask me to do something, the more I get angry and the more rage I express to them. I feel that if
things don't go my way, then they shouldn't happen period. I also feel that I have allowed my parents to control me all my life and that they are just continuing to want me to go through life their way. I want to be able to express my own creativity but they tell me that some other decor piece is better and I feel bad about
my own creation because now I question it.
There are a few points that have come out in this whole experience. I feel that I rebel a lot whenever they tell me to do something and then I end up doing it just to please them because I feel guilty if I can't please them.
I feel that all I need to do in my life is make my parents happy because I love them and care about them and have seem them give too much of themselves to support me and my decisions and I feel therefore I owe them their happiness. Also I guess from a society point of view, I feel it is engrained in children to want to make their parents proud of them.
I shall do SF on each of them.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fuel the mind system by feeling angry and rage whenever things don't
go my way. I realize that the need to want to be in control of something is happening because all my life I feel I had been supressed by my parents and I haven't been able to fully express myself the way I had wanted.
I realize that now that this is 'my wedding' I feel that this is an opportunity for the first time to do something my way and not allow others to impede on that. Unfortuantely, things didn't go my way because my parents have a say in the wedding because they feel that it is their daughter's wedding and that they have a say in all of this. This has become a day where it is a debate between who wants to be the point of control and I feel that I should be because it is 'my' day. My dad feels that since he is paying for some stuffs that he has a bigger say in all of this. I beg to differ.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be in the director's spot because of the need to want to control or the justification to want to have things go my way because it is my day. I realize that since my parents are putting their money into this, that I need to begin to realize that what is best for all is to come with mutual agreements and understanding about decisions that need to be made. For instance, I feel that I can't seem to be able to get my point across because no matter how much I argue with my parents, it seems that at the end they win because they are the point of control in my life and I have given them that power. I feel guilty for not respecting their decisions and not making them happy.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience that feeling of guilt that I can't please my parents and I feel guilty for saying no to them. I end up being submissive and play the victim's role which is self suppression. I realize that self-supressing myself is just not going to work so I just need to indicate what I would really like to see at my wedding in a firm but nice way. I realize that different people have different tastes and that my tastes are obviously different from my parent's taste and that whenever a decision needs to be made, i should look at the practical aspects of what is being conveyed to me as opposed to just wanting to purchase something because it looks nice.
